Freedom day

Once again I’ve had a bit of a gap between entries…for a few reasons, but mainly because I wanted my next entry to be me announcing I’m FISTULA FREE.

And here I am. Doing just that!

27 thread changes, 101 appointments and 3 procedures later!

After what was meant to be my 28^th thread change (but ended up just being a clean), I sat and chatted away with doc while he had his daily chai. He casually says he can make me officially fistula free if I like but I would have to have a procedure with epidural.

I reeeeally didn’t want any more procedures and had hoped the thread would fall out on its own...The painful moments have become few and far between, and I didn’t want the days of pain that come after surgery. Not to mention that I would potentially end up with a wound that may need packing – there’s NO chance I would be able to pack my own wound! Absolutely not (insert vomit emoji here). Doc reassured me he would do the packing should I require and the pain would not be as it was previously. To be honest I don’t really care about the pain, I’m like superwoman at this point, it was more the idea of a gross big wound. Anyway!

I knew it was time. Locked it in for the next day. No mucking around.

This time I chose to head in alone for the day of the procedure...although I wasn’t really alone. I had the beautiful nurse Vanitha caring for me all day, my friend from across the road came past, other staff members were around, messages from current patients checking in on me…I was acutely aware of how far I’d come in terms of forming bonds with locals and how comfortable I felt ‘living’ in Bangalore.

The procedure itself took around 10 minutes – doc removed the thread and did some of that gross skin welding business. Immediately after he finishes, he announces that he has officially killed my fistula.

As I was getting wheeled out of the operating room, I said to doc ‘you realise you have to tell my mother now’. Being the legend that he is, he kindly agreed. Once I was settled in the recovery room doc comes in and I video called Mumma bear and pointed the camera at him. She knew immediately and cried and cried. So special. I shed a few tears seeing her like that, but was instructed not to cry as I could end up with a headache due to the epidural. Telling Lara not to cry is like telling the sun not to shine! I managed to stop myself…power of the mind indeed.

People have been asking me how I feel and to be honest I have no idea! Once I’d decided to come to the exceptional Dr Bhat for treatment, I was already fistula free in my mind. I just knew without a doubt I would be. Maybe that’s part of why I don’t feel any different yet? Maybe it doesn’t feel real cause I have to go in for wound dressing for another couple of weeks and I don’t have my butt back yet? Maybe I’m not thinking about it too much because it means I now have to prepare for my departure after 6 months (half a YEAR!!) of living here? Maybe I’m in denial cause it’s all too much to process? Or maybe it’s all of the above! No maybes about it. It’s all of that and so much more. I think I’ll have to hang out with my 3 friends for now – denial, avoidance and repression. Just for a bit.

I came back to the hotel in the evening and was met with a round of applause from my fellow fistula fighters. I hadn’t told anyone other than the current patients that I was doing the procedure. It was such a long time coming that I wanted to be sure before sharing, so I spent the rest of the day telling the world. I was reminded once again of how truly blessed I am to have an incredible amount of special people in my life. They say you’re lucky if you can count your friends on one hand – I don’t have enough fingers and toes to tally up my peeps!

I can’t stress enough how important it is to have the right mindset when coming here. I knew before coming to Bangalore that I was about to embark on something special, and although there were tough parts, I kept on swimming and laughing through the pain. I know that’s partly my nature to be like that, but I also knew that I had to embrace it all. Look for the beauty in everything. Be present. I have not for a single second forgotten how blessed I am to be here.

As for Dr Bhat. Well. Any fellow fistula fighter will truly know that there are no words in the English (or any) language to properly express the deep gratitude of being freed from the horror that is a fistula. Doc encompasses the qualities all doctors should have, but most don’t. He’s a rarity and a uniquely special human being. It’s been amazing getting to know him over the months and I will absolutely miss seeing him and his outstanding staff I have grown so fond of. There is an overall feeling of calm when you walk into the clinic, a knowledge that you are in the right place. Doc has successfully created an environment that you feel comfortable in, and picked quality staff who embody his ethic. It’s a beautiful thing. They will always have a place in my heart and I will definitely be coming back.

Mission accomplished