And just like that I’m home

I've been home for almost 2 months already and it’s insane how this time business plays with your head.

I was away exactly 8 months and it’s mind boggling to think of all the things I experienced. I knew it would be a challenge returning to home life – but I don’t think there really is a way to prepare yourself as much as I tried! Major reverse culture shock.  

My last couple of weeks in Bangalore were a time of reflection and many emotions. Thankfully I got to spend a lot of time at the clinic as I underwent Panchakarma (a full detox which I will write a separate entry about when I'm capable). This gave me a lot of quality time with the staff and time to mentally prepare for goodbyes.

Physically, if I didn’t have scarring and some sensations as a result of, I wouldn’t blame myself for thinking I never had a fistula to begin with! On my last visit with doc, I asked if there was anything at all I need to do going forward – his response ‘try to forget you ever had it’. I can’t even explain how I felt in that moment.

Mentally, I still have a little ways to go to actually believe I’m fistula free, let alone forget I ever had it. I thought I was doing fabulously at overcoming the trauma, and for the most part I am, but I still have moments that take me by surprise. For example, just before I left, I heard a patient cry out in pain in her consultation and I just burst into tears – I could feel her pain as if I was the one experiencing it. That combined with all the other emotions around returning home and I’m a bit overwhelmed!

Due to weakened muscles, doc advised I may have lack of control when releasing gas, and to correct this I will need to do clenching exercises daily. The other thing he told me to be aware of, is that for months after, I may feel other sensations (or as I call them – ‘glitches’) and it’s completely normal. I think this is important for future fistula fighters to remember when undergoing this treatment as many have returned home, had this experience, and panicked. (A lot of that panic of course stems from fear and all the previous failed surgeries.)

I wrote this blog with the intention of recording the medical(ish) and practical aspects of this journey, but also to paint a picture showing potential future fistula fighters what sorts of other things can come your way, and the emotional aspect – I just let myself write vulnerably in the hopes of helping others. In an ordinary situation, when you are ill or undergo surgery, you are in the comfort of your own home, surround by loved ones. When you go to India for treatment, you are in a foreign country, living with strangers and all standards are completely different to what we are used to. This can seem extremely daunting (especially for someone who is not a traveller), but for me, I’m glad it happened so far from my comfort zone. Not only did I get to enjoy a new culture, but I was removed from everyday responsibilities which allowed me to just focus on being happy and healing.

As I reflect back, I noticed a couple of key things that played a part in helping me heal...for one thing, amongst the madness and chaos of the city, there is an underlying calm, patience, quiet. This seems like an oxymoron in itself, but I found the atmosphere and demeanour of the locals to be peaceful. This alone is therapeutic. Add to that the overall lack of worry about time. Sure there are many things that require specific appointment times, but in general – it’s just a case of when it happens it happens. Things take whatever time they take. Once I made peace with that and lost the expectations I am used to, I relieved myself of a burden. More brain power to concentrate on happiness and healing.

Coming home is kinda lonely in ways, cause I feel different yet everything is the same. I have experienced this massively major thing that no one will ever understand (nor can it be explained) and am now trying to find my place at home, to adapt while hanging on to the lessons I learnt. While I may feel lonely, I’m definitely not alone in the struggle to transition home. It’s a sentiment echoed by many once they leave Bangalore. I feel like I’m floating at the moment (or flailing really!), so I will continue to chant my mantra which helped me so very much throughout treatment…Just. Keep. Swimming.

I could never have predicted such a wild ride, and I truly hope those who are blessed enough to embark on their own healing journey gain as much as I did from it. I know there are many reasons to be nervous or hesitate, but in the end, there is endless potential for magic to be discovered in India. An exceptional place that can teach us so much, that is so much more than what we perceive from afar I promise you.

On top of all the wonder, I am now at a point where I can honestly say I am grateful for the fistula. I’ve gained strength and life experiences I could never have imagined. Like the baby eagle I watched from my window, I am now freeeee.

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Some words of wisdom about India from the excellent movie ‘Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ that resonated with me:

“Initially you are overwhelmed, but gradually you realise It’s like a wave, resist and you’ll be knocked over. Dive into it and you’ll swim out the other side. This is a new, different world. The challenge is to cope with it, and not just cope but thrive."

“Do you think we’ll be alright?”  “Don’t ask me I’m more scared than you are….......…no it’s going to be extraordinary”

“Soon I may even grow accustomed to the storm of car horns and vendors. Can there be anywhere else in the world that is such an assault on the senses. Those who know the country of old just go about their business. But nothing can prepare the uninitiated for this riot of noise and colour…”

“We are slowly adapting to our environment, and when one does adapt my god the riches that are available.”

“How can you bear this country, what do you see that I don’t?”  “Oh the light, the colours, the smiles. When you see life as a privilege and not a right it teaches you something.”

“Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.”  “Most things don’t but sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff.”